HumorMatterstm

Labor Day
Also check out workplace humor

Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Corporate America
Business Signs and A Few Chuckles
Snack Food Study
Sense of Humor in the Workplace
The Language of Corporate America
My Personal Work History
Performance Evaluations

Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Corporate America

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize
it's a do-it-yourself thing.
27. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
28. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
29. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
30. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
31. Never pass a snow plow on the right.

Business Signs and A Few Chuckles

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.."
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At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Snack Food Study
The Following may be hard to believe but it arrived from a reliable source.

According to a snack food study:  "The average American will have three to five careers, 10 to 12 jobs and will hold each job for an average of 3.5 years throughout his or her lifetime, according to the U.S. Department of Labor.  

After a positive response to his 1999 study linking snack foods to distinct personality traits, Dr. Hirsch extended his study to reveal that savory snacks can also help determine an appropriate career.  More that 18,000 adult volunteers across thirty-five occupations were surveyed to determine the correlation between their occupation and their favorite snack food.

A person's job selection reflects his essential essence and his personality," says Dr. Hirsch.  'Food choices, like selection of clothing, movies and spouses, can provide insight into personality and character structure.  Thus the typical personality traits associated with savory snack preferences can be used to help predict occupational choices, because a person's job selection also reflects his essential essence and his personality,' says Dr. Hirsch.

Chip lovers are ambitious and successful--CEO'S crave them.

If you crave potato chips, you should be a lawyer, tennis pro, police officer, CEO...  they are competitive and have high expectations, not only of themselves, but of those around them.  Competitive in business, sports and social situations.  And they usually come out on top in these situations.

Pretzels: firefighter, journalist, flight attendant, veterinarian or pediatrician.  Lively and energetic, those who crave pretzels seek novelty and easily become bored by routine.  [That's me!!! (e-mailer's note]  They make decisions based on intuition and emotion, especially in romantic relationships.

Tortilla Chips: farmer, travel agent, chef, clergy or news anchor  -  they are perfectionists who are also humanitarians.  Sticklers for punctuality, you will rarely see a tortilla eater late for an appointment.

Cheese Curls:  real estate agent, psychiatrist or producer  -  Formal, always proper, conscientious and principled, people who crave this have a highly developed sense of integrity and maintain the moral high ground with their family, co-workers and romantic partners.  They plan ahead for any possible catastrophe.  With Band-Aids and batteries, the cheese curl lover's house is always stocked and ready.

Popcorn: teacher, artist, truck driver, nurse, judge or neurosurgeon  -  Self-assured and confident, those who prefer popcorn are best described as 'take charge sort of people.'  A popcorn enthusiast will not hesitate to assume extra work on the job or take on extra duties at social gatherings.  Even though they are self-confident, popcorn lovers are modest and humble, and would never be considered showoffs.  Popcorn buffs are hidden successes - if you inherit a lot of money from a 'poor' relative, odds are he was someone who enjoyed popcorn. 

Nuts:  plumber, architect, sanitation worker, cardiologist or politician  -  Those who prefer nuts tend to be easygoing, empathic and understanding.  When confronted with an emotionally charged situation, they can be counted on to keep calm and not join the fray, allowing time for the emotional upheaval to pass.  Their even-keeled nature makes them well suited for dealing with the public during emergency situations.  While nut aficionados may not always be leaders, it is their demeanor and assistance that allows the family or workplace to succeed.

Snack Crackers: stockbroker or professional race car driver  -  Snack cracker devotees tend to be contemplative and thoughtful, and base their decisions on solid reasoning instead of their emotions.  They value their private time and are most creative when allowed to be alone, free from daily responsibilities and interruptions.

Meat Snacks: dentist or bartender  -  Those who crave a satisfying stick of beef jerky or a mouth-watering bag of pork rinds are the life of the party.  Gregarious and social, meant snack lovers are at their best amidst the company of others.  They are loyal and true friends who can always be trusted, and will make extraordinary self-sacrifices to please others."

Sense of Humor in the Workplace

Ninety-six percent of the executives surveyed by Accountemps believed That people with a sense of humor do better at their jobs than those who have little or no sense of humor. Studies have also shown that people who enjoy their work are more productive and creative, in addition to experiencing greater job satisfaction. (Source: 301 Ways to Have Fun at Work)

The Language of Corporate America

To Understand Corporate America we must understand the language of the workplace

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's
going on.

Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Tom, he's the alpha geek around here."

Assmosis:  The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Beepilepsy:  The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

Flight Risk:  Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance:  The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Seagull Manager:   A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh-ts over everything and then leaves.

Uninstalled:  Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

My Personal Work History

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.


Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.


After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ...mainly because it was a so-so job.


Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.


Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.


I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.


My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.


I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.


Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.


I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.


I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.


So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.


My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Performance Evaluations

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity."

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

(11) "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better."

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all  together."

(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

 (15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

 (16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

 (17) "He's been working with glue too much."

 (18) "He would argue with a signpost."

 (19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

 (22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one."

 (23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

 (24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

 (25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

 (26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

 (27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for  it."

 (28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

 (29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

 (30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

 (31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

 (32) "One neurone short of a synapse."

 (33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled."

 (34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

 (35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."